The prerequisite for writing one of those posts is just starting Lightroom. I started it, and it said: My house is the backstage. Fitting, considering I just moved back to my hometown.
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I’ve come a long way since I took that photo back in 2013. On the first glance the problems are still the same: I still run away. I still escape. I’m still very, very afraid. I still don’t believe people are not gonna just leave me. Back then I was bent on figuring it all out; turns out it just took way, way longer than expected. Back in 2013 I was hurting – and I’m hurting now.
The difference, as usual, is that today I understand what’s going on.
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Back in 2013 I had no idea. I knew I’m hurting – but I couldn’t pinpoint the pain. I felt alone – but helpless to change it. I’d jump from one addiction to another, never quite knowing what I’m running from. I’d devour emotions in a desperate attempt to feel less empty. I didn’t know why back then. The only tangible difference that matters is that now I know. I might not yet be very good at acting on that knowledge – but I’m working on it.
Today’s me understands why everything seems wrong – and has some ideas how to fix it. The remaining obstacle is the old me that’s very good at running away. I need to teach that person that they don’t have to run anymore.
It’s gonna be one hell of a ride.