Zdolny

by Kosma Moczek on

W trakcie konferencji staram się na koniec wykładu oddać głos również publiczności. Wówczas najczęściej padającym z widowni pytaniem jest: „co zrobić, żeby moje dziecko funkcjonowało tak dobrze, jak ty?”

Osoby, które pytają, nie wiedzą praktycznie nic o moim funkcjonowaniu – poza wyreżyserowanym wystąpieniem na scenie. Nie wiedzą o trudnościach z podstawowymi czynnościami, ze sprzątaniem domu, gotowaniem posiłków i organizowaniem czasu. Nie wiedzą o zaburzeniach snu, o wracającej jak bumerang depresji, o chwilach rozpaczy, kiedy dociera do mnie, że żadna ilość terapii, leków i wsparcia nie zmieni faktu, że wiele drzwi na zawsze pozostanie dla mnie zamkniętych. Nie wiedzą, że po powrocie do codzienności, w stanie zmęczenia i niewyspania, zamiast pięknych słów nieraz potrafię z siebie wydobyć tylko podstawowe frazy niezbędne do przeżycia. Oceniają najbardziej powierzchownie, jak się da – na podstawie tego, że potrafię stanąć przed kilkusetosobową salą i mówić z sensem.

Szkoda, że nie wiedzą, że takie wystąpienie jest dziecinnie proste – bo nie wymaga interakcji. Wykład to zamknięta forma, w której mam wpływ na każdy jej element, nie muszę odczytywać niczyich intencji ani emocji, nie muszę reagować na żywo. Wykład nie stosuje wobec mnie przemocy ani manipulacji. Wykład bardziej przypomina komponowanie utworu muzycznego, niż rozmowę z drugim człowiekiem. Ale przede wszystkim: na scenie jestem w stanie – tak, jak każdy człowiek, który zajmuje się wystąpieniami publicznymi – na godzinę założyć perfekcyjną maskę. Ale to, że posiadam zdolności aktorskie – nie oznacza wcale, że jestem w stanie te zdolności aktorskie wykorzystywać przez 24 godziny na dobę…

Ani, że w ogóle mam ochotę non stop jakąś rolę grać.

Nie życzę żadnemu dziecku ani dorosłemu tego, żeby musiało – nawet z własnego wyboru – przez całe życie tworzyć jakiegoś rodzaju fikcję, ugłaskaną, idealną wersję siebie, żeby zadowolić otoczenie. Nie chcecie wiedzieć, jak takie udawanie wypala człowieka od środka.

* * *

To była jasna strona medalu. Ciemna brzmi tak: „ty dobrze funkcjonujesz, więc się nie wypowiadaj”. Jeśli mam szczęście – na tych słowach się skończy. Jeśli nie – dostanę w gratisie „nie masz pojęcia, o czym mówisz”, „nigdy nie zrozumiesz matki” lub po prostu „bredzisz”.

To są słowa, która pojawiają się pod moimi artykułami i wywiadami. Słowa wypowiadane na podstawie małego skrawka rzeczywistości – faktu, że intelektualnie funkcjonuję nienagannie, wręcz fantastycznie. Tyle, że umiejętność wymyślania ładnych rzeczy i mówienia ładnych słów wcale nie przekłada się na bycie samodzielnym… czasem jest dokładnie na odwrót. Przez całe życie nie mogłem liczyć na wsparcie w obszarach, w których miałem trudności – tak podstawowych, jak obsługa pralki i ugotowanie obiadu – bo świat milcząco założył, że skoro jestem „zdolny”, to sam powinienem sobie poradzić.

Nikomu nie przyszło do głowy, ten zdolny – w bardzo wąskich, określonych dziedzinach wręcz geniusz – w niektórych obszarach życia może być zwyczajnie niepełnosprawny.

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